It’s been a while…
My life has been turned upside down and I haven’t had the time, energy or heart for blogging really.
A little less than two months ago, Hedgehog left me for another woman. His ex-wife of all people. They’d been having an affair for months, he later confessed.
The news hit me like a freight train. As far as I knew everything was fine, and then one evening he just left with no real explanation. That was hard enough, but it took him a couple of weeks to admit why he’d left. Finding out about the affair was emotionally devastating. And I’m having to contend with the ongoing emotional rollercoaster of being involved with him and his new family. He Facetimes Nookie daily and I can hear his new fiancé (yeh you read that right… they were engaged less than two weeks after he left!) in the background. Nookie likes to talk to his other kids. And I have to see him every week when he visits the kids. Which is all really really hard.
So I’m now a single mother. Which is exhausting. I’ve had to claim single parent benefits (which are basically the minimum you need to live on). I have no car. I have six cats to take care of on top of everything else.
I’ve also started to experience quite bad anxiety. It’s subsided a little now, but a couple of weeks ago it was so bad I could barely function. I never get a moment to myself. I never stop with the mountain of housework and childcare I now do single-handedly. I also have to start thinking about getting a job, as I can only claim income support until Smushface is five. I have to attend regular meetings at the job centre to help get me back into work (patronising much!).
So yeh… things aren’t great. I’m surviving, but barely, and only because of my amazing friends who have been just fantastic through everything! They’ve been helping me from the very moment Hedgehog left, and continue to offer invaluable emotional support. I don’t know what I’d have done without them. And my family too, who have helped so much with practical stuff.
Day-to-day life is immensely stressful right now. There’s no one to help when things are tough. When Smushface has fallen to sleep on me and Nookie wants something to eat, there’s no one to help me out. When they’re both having a meltdown and I’m stuck on the sofa there’s no one to get me a drink when I’m desperately thirsty. We have to take the train or bus everywhere, which is hard with two little kids, expensive, and the bus/train routes aren’t great. There are a lot of places we simply can’t get to anymore. We only just have enough money to get by. There’s nothing for all the extras Nookie was used to like new computer games and trips out. She’s really struggling with that. I miss the dog, who went with Hedgehog because I couldn’t manage him on my own (I tried, but it was too much).
But the hardest thing isn’t any of this, hard as it is. The hardest thing is not having anyone to talk to all the time. I go days now without seeing another adult. There’s no one to text when I’m at the park and the kids are being a nightmare and I need some moral support. There’s no one to talk to when the kids are in bed. There’s no one to rant to when I’m having a hard day. I’ve lost my best friend. The person I thought I could depend on more than anyone else. He just threw us away like we were nothing. And now I’m all alone, with only my children to keep me company.
So yeh… I don’t think I’ll be blogging much anymore. I don’t have any extra energy or enthusiasm right now. I’ll probably keep up with my vegan blog if people want to follow me there (www.skintveganmummy.wordpress.com). But otherwise, this might be goodbye…